Are you there God? It's me, Anne

Things happen for a reason. So they say and I have little doubt about that. You have to have faith and take that leap. Let go and take that step and in that letting go, answers appear for good or bad. 12 years ago I took that step, walked away from my life to begin again and here I am.

This time the answers aren't as clear. On the way back home from the hospital, I call my brother to find out more about Bill. He fell getting out of the shower and hit his head on the toilet. Knocked unconscious and not breathing. My brother and responding officer performed CPR until paramedics arrived to take over. They continued until they got to the hospital where he was finally resuscitated. He's on a ventilator, not breathing on his own and still unconscious.

So. Why? I am trying not to wallow in the circumstances. It's so easy to ask "Why me?" but I'm keeping my attitude in check and think it cannot be about me. I tell Steven the situation when I return. I tell him I feel awful because my mom needs me and I need her right now but neither of us can help each other. Steven understands and says maybe it's the way it's supposed to be in the fact that I cannot be there. Yes, he's right. It's not about testing me. It's about my brother and my mom - Tommy taking a larger role in the family now. It's about my mom and me - and how we communicate. It's not about being present physically. Does my mere presence help? No. There is nothing that either of us can do to improve either situation. No, a new type of support is called for. I cannot "do" for my mom this time - no home repairs to make life easier, no company sitting on the sofa, no Korean soap operas, no cooking, cleaning or eating. No, I will need to find a new way to support her and my brother.

I need crutches.